This is my first “real” break-up. I´ve been broken-hearted before and I might have broken a couple of hearts, too, from 16 to 23. Somehow it doesn´t count until you´ve shared the same pillow, put to sleep your first cat, wore a white wedding dress and gone through the first friend´s passing away aged 41. I wake up in the middle of the night and can´t figure out what to do with this hole in my heart.

Yesterday I went to Julius´ birthday party, he turned 17, can you believe it?! He has a girlfriend and all and yet he´s still the cute kid I´ve known since he was 7. It was strange being there without you. They were talking about having to invite us to every second anniversary and I was thinking that I hope we could still face each other, not right away, but like in a couple of years´ time, maybe? It´s strange having to avoid each other, after spending a third of our lives together. It´s painful to see your eyes steering clear of me, I never meant to break your heart.

I´ve always found it odd when people say they want to leave it all behind and start anew, without a single thing to remind them of their shared past, but that´s exactly how I feel now. Wish I could take the cat and the dog and move to a different country entirely, never to see our vases and flowers again. They´re so familiar and yet from a completely different era.

We´ll be sharing friends. I´m hoping people will be fair, but people always  end up choosing sides. Guess I´ll be the asshole.

The other day I was asked by a friend if it´s ok if you´ll be there, too, or at least if she can invite you. It´s ok for me, but you probably don´t want to see me. Let´s take it one day at a time. I´ve loved you for so long, I don´t know how not to care anymore. Kind of hoping I´ll never have to learn.

Hope you´re reading this. And that you´re moving on.

xxx, Alina