I’ve been taking the new medication for ADHD since Monday. At first there was a slight sense of relief, not much other effect, not like with the first one, the one containing Ritalin, where I could see everything that was going to happen in traffic in slow motion, as if I was playing a video game. As luck would have it, the side effects the Ritalin had didn’t materialize, either: the continuous talking, even worse than my UNregulated self, the outright lack of filter, the utter uninhibitedness. Not to mention the palpitations, the fidgeting, the feeling that I’ll transcend my body at any time, that I’ll take off on my own account.
Not with this one, though. Slowly, a sense of peace has sinked in. Up until now I have never understood the extent of my unrest. Or my anxiety. How most of my behaviour is a result of some kind of coping mechanism. I always thought it to be an integral part of my personality. Imagine being so wrong.
It’s Thursday and I’m out of town for work. I went to bed at 10 pm and woke up at 7 am. With the alarm clock, of course, but I didn’t need 1,5 h to wake up. Nor any coffee. My only sorrow is I can’t drink 10 cups of coffee like I used to, it feels like my heart is going to leap out of my chest with the 1st one. I think I need to find some decent decaf soon.
2023 will be MY year. I’m putting myself first. For the first time, I’ll do what they say you should do with the oxygen mask in the airplane: First put on your mask, then help the others. You can’t pour from an empty cup and all that.
Now that the stuffiness of the holidays has lifted, now that your holidays expectations were met or crushed or maybe you didn’t even have any (attagirl!), now that the stores are open again and the unwanted gifts exchanged, regifted or put in a drawer for safekeeping, we can all turn the pages to a blank one.
What have I been doing? Read 3 out of the 4 books I got for Christmas, ate all the biscotti and the sugarcoated almonds and I wink at the fir tree every time I past by it to attend to the artsy genius up to her elbows in paint. After all, the tree is too handsome to end up on the dump. YET. As for the artsy genius, as much a darling as she is, I’ve made it very clear to her I hate all activities that require washing my hands after engaging in them. 😉 Like painting. Or modeling play dough.
Workwise I’ve been on a trip out of town already and yesterday a 6 days’ court case began, but since the defendant didn’t show up, we were free to go about out freelance lives. Do I love it? Yes, I do! I don’t know if I can go as far as to say I’ve missed interpreting over the holidays, but as I always remind myself on bad days, I never have a knot in my stomach when I go to work, the way I did back when I worked in an office. Besides, I’ll take work over small talk at Christmas gatherings any day. Life is way too short for small talk.
I’m still waiting for my referral to a psychiatrist to go through, hoping to receive the medication I’m not even sure I’ll be able to combine with the one I’m already taking. Story of my life. Meanwhile I’ve been too busy for my own good (school, work, changing the tires, Madeleine, my mother visiting, Sam and everything else) and on top of that I’ve been stressing myself out big time by saying yes to more exciting work (human trafficking) on top of the boring work (tax legislation) I had already committed to. Because the ADHD does this to you. You want to be everywhere, afraid you might be missing out on something interesting, not realizing that the world will be spinning regardless of your participation.
And so our house looked like a war zone and I got so distracted by all of it that I barely remembered to take my keys with me when I left for work yesterday. Not being able to find a parking spot in “my regular street”, a 10 minutes’ walk away from work, I thought I’d try my luck nearer the Court house. And what do you know? I almost let out a scream when a prime spot was vacant. All’s good that ends good, except for the fact that by the end of the day I couldn’t remember where I’d parked and so I walked all the way to my usual spot. And then back! It was raining and I had three umbrellas in the car, but obviously I couldn’t remember to get any of them, so none on me. And so I cursed aloud, I cursed all the devils and the Gods altogether, but that only enhanced my anxiety and my bad mood.
But that was yesterday. Today I’m all zen, thanking God we have no more school gatherings where you’re supposed to do all sorts of stuff I’ve already been doing for 12 years, with people that have little or no experience in the field. No work at all today, just a long to-do-list, so my memory doesn’t play tricks on me again. It’s raining outside and I lit the fire, I’m sitting here with my coffee and I can hear my own thoughts. And if this isn’t bliss, I don’t know what is.
Let’s go on a girls’ weekend away, my friend suggested a couple of months ago, and I thought- girlfriend, you don’t have the vaguest idea what you’re getting into! 😉 Obviously flattered, I answered yes. I don’t get this sort of invitations very often, although I do have friends. 🙂 However, I had my doubts- I’ve been sustaining myself on half tank for over 14 years now and the past 3 years have really gotten the best of me. Basically all I dream of doing is chat, eat, drink and sleep. In that exact order. 😉 On top of that, I tend to want it my way or the highway, as she put it, not that I always manage to get it, but I can get really frustrated if I don’t.
With that backdrop, we joined forces at the airport on Friday at 5 am. Our flight was so early we needed to be up before 4 am, it was pitch dark outside when the alarm rang and I almost felt like crying. But when I’d gotten dressed and had some coffee, I was eager for the adventure to begin. We bought (more) coffee and found our seat, in the highest of spirits- there would be no man, no kids and no to do list for the rest of the weekend!
And for three days in a row we strolled around in short-sleeved clothes and stopped for coffee or for wine, had a bite, bought a souvenir or simply stared at people. People watching, now that’s a lovely past time activity! I’ve always felt that Norway, Scandinavia if you will, is so little diverse when it comes to what people wear and how they behave, that it’s pure delight to be abroad where youngsters with blue and green hair walk around with neither a bra, nor any inhibitions.
And although I didn’t come to love Malaga, it was still a good trip. We both got what we needed from our getaway- some golden rays, waking up without the alarm clock, friendly chats, a Thai massage for my part, lots of wine and some interesting food, too. The tapas was a bit too greasy for my liking, but at least not your average Tuesday meal.
Although we lived right in the city centre, we didn’t do anything cultural, mainly because I didn’t have the energy. I flirted with the idea of visiting the Casa Memorial Picasso, which was a stone throw away from our flat, but somehow we didn’t get around to do that, either. Also, they had a Sephardi museum that sounded interesting, next time I’ll make sure to pay it a visit.
But for now it’s good to be back. Sometimes we all just need a breather. That’s exactly what Malaga was for me. No one to call me mommy, for 3 days I was just me. When you’ve been a mom for almost 3 years (in March), you’ve almost forgotten how it feels to be just you. Still, I’d missed my girl so much, by the time I came home I couldn’t wait for her to wake up so I could hug her. “Mamma kommit”, she blurted out when she saw me laying down beside her instead of her dad. What else can you ask from life?
Anybody still there? ‘Cause I know I haven’t been in here much lately.
I’ve got some news, apart from my occasional thoughts of frustration with the world, that is. 😉
I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and the pieces of the puzzle have finally started to fall into place. I don’t even know if I’ll find the suitable medication and all that, but the mere realization that I’ve been swimming against the current all my life renders me so humble, I could almost cry of relief.
Because for the first time I understand why I’ve always felt different, why I always either struggled to engage or engaged too much, why I either loved or hated, why I didn’t have the time to wait, the patience to do things right, why everything in my life has always been like a whirlwind.
I finally understand how my social inadequacies are best explained by my lack of understanding for other people’s ways of thinking (and acting) and not only by my lack of filter. Why I often feel tired and overwhelmed by the most mundane things, like going to the supermarked.
Most importantly, I get why motherhood has taken such a toll on me, why it has felt like a superhuman task from day one, the round-the-clock monitoring and the tediousness of the first year, the constant organizing and the chronic lack of control.
Now I know. And it’s such a good place to be. I feel redeemed. And a much better mom, now that I know I’ve done it all desperately fighting with myself.
I have to admit that with this covid bugger lurking around, life is everything else but exciting. I’m dreading the virus not so much for its potential harm (not that I consider myself exempted in any way), but for what isolation would mean for my mental health first and my wallet second. This being said, there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel and I’ve already started to look at different summer destinations, which is more exciting than anything else that’s happened in the past two years. Except for Madeleine, of course. 🙂
Speaking of whom, she’s turning into such a darling! She’s started dancing and playing on her own and she’s bossing us around like a true dictator! 😉 Haha! Also, she’s showing more and more affection, this morning for instance we had a group hug- me, her favourite bear and her and since her father was in the bathroom, she wanted his picture to join! Go figure!
Otherwise I’ve been practicing driving more and more often, had friends over for lunch and even went to the theater one evening. Not bad, for a pandemic life. Haha! What can you boast about? 😉
I have a massage waiting for me soon and then I’ll refresh my knowledge on driving rules, before driving for a couple of hours with the instructor. After that, I’m making some carbonara and reading Lucia Berlin’s short stories, after putting Madeleine to bed.
A friend of mine read yesterday’s entry and said I should drink more sherry- ahaha! And after rereading it, although I can still stand for everything I wrote, I realized it was a bit me me me- ahaha. And the ones of you who know me well, you know that I might come across as a bit self-centered- again haha. As a friend of mine put it, it’s the anxiety. I sure hope so. ‘Cause God knows it’s not a trait I particularly favor, but I can’t seem to do much about it. For now.
Time to go. I need to vacuum some more, wash some clothes by hand (the wool program just gets our clothes filthy instead of clean), bake some rolls and take a nap. We’re going to the doctor’s to examine the blemishes on her chin and then coming home to tomato soup.
PS. F bought a sled and I invited some friends for lunch and sledging on Sunday in order to make sure that I’ll survive the coming 3 days off. What are you up to? Maybe I’ll get some inspiration..
Never in my entire life have I felt Christmas was this long, lonely and boring as this year. My God! It was never-ending! If you have difficulties relating and you’ve just come from your umpteenth family reunion with yet another indigestion, know that we haven’t. It had a lot to do with the fact that it covid is still lurking around (not that I care, but others do), that we don’t drive, that most of my friends go back to wherever they come for the holidays and that we have a toddler on top of that. So when I say the days were never-ending, I really mean it. For 5 days in a row we woke up and watched cartoons, ate American pancakes, played, went outside so Madeleine would sleep or play some more and came inside to continue playing. Of course, there was some napping and some eating involved, but playing pretty much sums it all up. With the exception of 24th, when we met F’s family for dinner and exchanged gifts, there was nothing to do and no one to do it with.
And when the cafés did open on the 27th, Madeleine got a fever spell and we had to stay inside. We played with the train set- I was envisioning Madeleine playing by herself, but instead she would demand “shitte, shitte”, meaning sit down, sit down, played with the bears, played with lego and played with her newly inherited kitchen from her sweet cousin Nora. Yesterday I had a couple of hours of driving and I was so happy to be getting out of the cosy prison, I could have jumped for joy.
This being said, I’ve always had trouble dealing with the holidays. Back when I was a kid it was because there was too much eating and too little freedom to do whatever one felt like doing, now because it’s too much family (when we’re not dealing with a pandemic) and the people you’d rather spend the holidays with are away. And I generally find myself sulking for the shops and the coffee shops to be open, not that I necessarily would go shopping, but I guess I just like to know everything is in place, the way it always is.
Today is kindergarten day and I’m trying to make good use of this “free time” by vacuuming, washing some clothes, baking bread and meeting a friend for coffee. Outside there’s lots of snow and I should really take up skiing, had I just known where to start. 😉
Hi you all! Long time, no see. I won’t make any excuses about the time, there’s never enough time, but when there is, I seem to be letting it slip from my hands by doing nothing much. November has been cold and I’ve been sitting by the fire, pretty much like my cats used to do. 🙂 I guess it’s not really a waste of time, as long as it’s a sort of therapy- your body and mind tell you that you need to rest and you’d better listen. Especially since I’m still waking up at 5 am and the days are a mist of a never-ending todo-list. Too bad this inactivity usually spills over into my admin work, so that I’m way behind with my VAT again. But that’s a different story.
How have you been? I miss you commenting my entries, but hey, as long as I’m hardly ever in here anymore, I can’t expect you to be. 😉 We’ve been decorating a little, it looks really Christmassy and cosy here. And Madeleine and I made gingerbread twice, with the kind of dough you buy in the stores, since I can’t seem to find the inspiration for any real baking these days. She really enjoyed it, both eating the dough (and the cakes) and fooling around shaping it. 😉 I won’t even mention the mess…
Work is slow, but I don’t mind it that much, as long as I know I have a couple of cases coming up in January. I’m finding it harder and harder to put up with the way interpreters get treated, but I won’t even go there, I feel like a broken record as it is. I should probably do something entirely different, but until the day I figure out what that might be, I’m taking my Bachelor in interpreting, to be on the safe side. Just handed in my exam, I wrote all kinds of personal bullshit and I’m not expecting to pass, but at least I gave it a go.
Otherwise I’m really close to taking my driving test (and hopefully my driver’s license), I’m already planning to lease a car in February or March. Cross your fingers! I can’t bear another day without a car! I know it’s not politically correct to even think that, but the city is not made for getting around by bus with a toddler in pram and between walking Sam, her getting her nap and the short winter days- it gets dark at 3:30!!- we seldom get to do anything else than buy cocoa at the coffeeshop 5 minutes by bus from our home.
Christmas is around the corner and I’m looking forward to a break from it all. We bought very little presents and just gave each other a vintage lounge chair, the type you sit in by the fireplace. For Madeleine I ordered a toy train set, a book (mostly because I’m bored reading the old ones) and a set of jumper and beanie in a traditional Norwegian knitting model. I used to hate them before, maybe because I also had one when I was little and it itched like hell, but now I find them really cute (and warm). 😉 What are you getting your loved ones for Christmas?
I’ve been meaning to share this recipe with you for at least 3 or 4 years, ever since I found it on taste bazaar’s blog and tried my hand at it for the first time. It reminded me so much of my childhood that it almost brought tears to my eyes. Not that my mom or grandmas ever made it at home, but from time to time, I’d be so lucky as to get this treat when visiting family friends. It only takes me 15 minutes to make and serves a desert for a whole week. NB- highly addictive. 😉
100 g butter
100 ml water
150 g sugar
350 g milk powder
40 g cocoa
a tea spoon of vanilla extract
almonds/walnuts/raisins (I prefer one of the first two)
Bring the water, sugar and butter to the boil. After 5-7 minutes, add the vanilla extract and let the liquid cool down.
Add the milk powder and the cocoa in a bowl, then add it to the liquid. Finally add the almonds/walnuts/raisins. Pour everything on a parchment paper an make a “sausage” out of it. Let it cool down in the fridge for 4-5 hours.