Hi, how are y’all? Thank you for hanging in there with me, I´ve been pretty emotional on the blog lately, haven´t I? I can´t wait for the day when I´ll feel up to writing about pretty dresses and pretty shoes again, I tell ya! I´m not there yet, though. 😉 It´s still a bumpy road here, although most days are good now and not the other way around.
Writing is all I feel like doing. It´s exhausting to be me these days, I could use a break. I need to get my shit together and that ASAP. I just don´t know where to start. I´m so tired, I keep cancelling my appointments, I barely feel like seeing friends.
I saw you again today, I´ve never seen anybody this sad in my entire life. It felt like having my guts kicked out. Why do we stop loving? And how do we dare go on the same road again? How do we ever dare place our soul into someone else´s hands?
I´ve cried so much it´s a wonder there´s anything left inside. I can feel my heart´s contractions when there´s no purpose in doing anything else but cry. Where are the tears coming from, I want to drain their well once and for all!
You´ll bounce back. You´ll be strong and beautiful again, my love. And somebody else will love the hell out of you. Maybe someone else will love me, too. This charming, but unlovable mess. I should start by loving myself. But again, where do I begin, when all I feel is contempt?
These days, my favourite time of the day is when I´m not awake. It´s when I don´t feel a thing, or at least I don´t know that I do. I sleep with my head under the covers, so as not to let the cold slip in.
The snow has managed to put a lid on my emotions and I feel passive and tired yet again. In a way it´s preferable to this tornado of sentiments that I don´t know what to do with anyways. Let it be sleep. I could sleep for a couple of months. Just let things slide by.
Phew, I´m turning sane again! Thought I´d never get there again.. I´m reading a book, a crappy detective story, don´t even know if it´s bad in the original language- English, or if it´s just the translation into Norwegian, but who cares, the story is solid enough and I´m curious to see who the murderer is. 😉
I also cooked, for the second time in over 3 weeks now, just some pasta, but at least I managed the deed. Made some sugar coated almonds the other day, too. I´m on the right track. Thank God, I was starting to loose it entirely! Lacking sleep, hardly eating and not having very high thoughts of myself. Continue reading
This is my first “real” break-up. I´ve been broken-hearted before and I might have broken a couple of hearts, too, from 16 to 23. Somehow it doesn´t count until you´ve shared the same pillow, put to sleep your first cat, wore a white wedding dress and gone through the first friend´s passing away aged 41. I wake up in the middle of the night and can´t figure out what to do with this hole in my heart.
Yesterday I went to Julius´ birthday party, he turned 17, can you believe it?! He has a girlfriend and all and yet he´s still the cute kid I´ve known since he was 7. It was strange being there without you. They were talking about having to invite us to every second anniversary and I was thinking that I hope we could still face each other, not right away, but like in a couple of years´ time, maybe? It´s strange having to avoid each other, after spending a third of our lives together. It´s painful to see your eyes steering clear of me, I never meant to break your heart.
I´ve always found it odd when people say they want to leave it all behind and start anew, without a single thing to remind them of their shared past, but that´s exactly how I feel now. Wish I could take the cat and the dog and move to a different country entirely, never to see our vases and flowers again. They´re so familiar and yet from a completely different era.
We´ll be sharing friends. I´m hoping people will be fair, but people always end up choosing sides. Guess I´ll be the asshole.
The other day I was asked by a friend if it´s ok if you´ll be there, too, or at least if she can invite you. It´s ok for me, but you probably don´t want to see me. Let´s take it one day at a time. I´ve loved you for so long, I don´t know how not to care anymore. Kind of hoping I´ll never have to learn.
Hope you´re reading this. And that you´re moving on.
“You tick a lot of boxes”, you said
I like that, it´s a new one
The saying things we wouldn´t say in our 20s
Like “No bullshit, please, I´m too old for that!”
“What would make you happy?”
I´m wondering sometimes
Me! I´d make me happy
If I just found out who I was for sure.
I went to the movies on my own last week
So much choice, what a treat!
I´ll be going again on Saturday
It´s part of the process, I guess
Not sure about the process,
Loving the movie part, though.