All over again

You´ve never been sad

Until sad is all you can feel,

Until sadness takes your sleep away

And you feel yourself dissolve

Into a pool of sweat and fear

Too weak to let go

Too tired to keep going.

 

That kind of sadness

Is a special kind of hell-

Only known to the ones of us

Who feel with every inch of our skin.

 

It´s only when you´ve mourned the loss of love

On your own or in the arms of others,

That you can fully understand

How lucky you are to fall in love again.

 

April, 2016

 

“Martisor”

 

Today I´ve had a bad day

And I don´t only mean

A bad hair day,

But the kind of day

When your fears

Are palpable,

When all your sadness

Resurfaces from some

God forgotten place

And biblical guilt

Haunts you

Until you want to scream

And say “I give in”!

 

All this turmoil

Makes me tired,

Makes me want to crawl

Back into my shell

Where it doesn´t matter

If you´re good or bad

`Cause you´re miserable anyways.

 

But I fight it.

 

I´ve been so happy

These past few days,

I threw myself at happiness

Like it wasn´t deceitful

Like I believed I could do it.

 

Nothing´s changed, though

It might be the “MARTISOR”-

The Romanian way

Of celebrating spring,

There´s no sign of spring here, you see-

And my anxiety gets the best of me.

 

March, 2016

 

 

 

Sanity

Phew, I´m turning sane again! Thought I´d never get there again.. I´m reading a book, a crappy detective story, don´t even know if it´s bad in the original language- English, or if it´s just the translation into Norwegian, but who cares, the story is solid enough and I´m curious to see who the murderer is. 😉

I also cooked, for the second time in over 3 weeks now, just some pasta, but at least I managed the deed. Made some sugar coated almonds the other day, too. I´m on the right track. Thank God, I was starting to loose it entirely! Lacking sleep, hardly eating and not having very high thoughts of myself. 12357453_1654749894807139_227585298_n Continue reading

Pablo Neruda

This one is for you, dear Tsoki. You introduced me to this great poet 15 years ago and I´ve searched comfort in his verses one too many times. As much as I wish it weren´t so, my inner frame is pretty frail and I suffer compulsively, almost like I´m enjoying it. Anyways. This is how I feel today:

Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines

by Pablo Neruda

 

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,’The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

xxx, Alina