depression

“Martisor”

 

Today I´ve had a bad day

And I don´t only mean

A bad hair day,

But the kind of day

When your fears

Are palpable,

When all your sadness

Resurfaces from some

God forgotten place

And biblical guilt

Haunts you

Until you want to scream

And say “I give in”!

 

All this turmoil

Makes me tired,

Makes me want to crawl

Back into my shell

Where it doesn´t matter

If you´re good or bad

`Cause you´re miserable anyways.

 

But I fight it.

 

I´ve been so happy

These past few days,

I threw myself at happiness

Like it wasn´t deceitful

Like I believed I could do it.

 

Nothing´s changed, though

It might be the “MARTISOR”-

The Romanian way

Of celebrating spring,

There´s no sign of spring here, you see-

And my anxiety gets the best of me.

 

March, 2016

 

 

 

Sadness

I´ve been feeling sad today

And I can neither blame it on PMS,

Nor on the feeling of unrequited love.

 

I don´t really know why I´m sad now

Meaning if I´m sad because I´m sad,

Or if I´m sad because I´m happy

And since happy is not a familiar place,

I hurry back to sad

Because I can do sad better.

 

Am I this broken, or is this normal?

Listening to Amy Winehouse-

“At least I´m not drinking”, she sings-

I wish I could drink myself senseless,

So I don´t feel a damn thing

Feeling is overrated,

My depression seems alluring now.

 

February 2016

 

 

In-betweens

I just read somewhere about in-betweens. The time in between these few moments of bliss that our life is made of- love, a smile from a stranger, a walk in the park, a sunny day, a cup of good coffee, a dog licking my face, the newspaper outside the door first thing in the morning. The person said she had a difficult time dealing with the in-betweens. Who doesn´t? I have, too.

I don´t know what to make of them. I don´t know how to let time pass without panicking like it´s my last second on this planet. I don´t know how not to live fast or just sleep it all away. I don´t know how to act like a normal person. I don´t even know what normal is, because to me I´m normal, it´s all the others who are strange.

maskingdepression

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When I sleep

These days, my favourite time of the day is when I´m not awake. It´s when I don´t feel a thing, or at least I don´t know that I do. I sleep with my head under the covers, so as not to let the cold slip in.

The snow has managed to put a lid on my emotions and I feel passive and tired yet again. In a way it´s preferable to this tornado of sentiments that I don´t know what to do with anyways. Let it be sleep. I could sleep for a couple of months. Just let things slide by.

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Feel

Hurry up and feel

Feel the breeze on your cheek

Feel the changing of seasons

Wash over your soul

Like an echo of longing.

 

Hurry up and feel

Feel before it´s too late

Before all you want to do is sleep

Sleep your days away

Because it hurts too much to be awake.

 

Hurry up and feel

Every sunrise and blooming tree

Every cup of coffee

Every tender touch.

 

By tomorrow it´ll be too late

The depression will have darkened the sight

And your soul will be numb

Like after pulling a tooth.

 

January, 2016

 

Blue tones

I found these beauties on Pinterest and they describe my mood nowadays. Although today was a glorious day- the sun was shining and I had a couple of assignments that felt more like hanging out with buddies than actual working- my mind has been dark and melancholic for a while now. I´m difficult to please, I need a lot of variation so I don´t drown in the mundane and at the same time a lot of sleep, I constantly search for a way to get more satisfaction from my daily life without having to resort to shopping as a means of instant gratification, and so on and so forth. It´s not as bad as it sounds, but the regular series watching and other people´s post work out joy doesn´t cut it for me. To sum it up in a funny way: I need some cheap hobbies! Haha! 😉 I´m thinking of taking up photography for real. I also enjoy reading, but for now I don´t have the peace of mind needed. Any other suggestions?

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Master your disaster

Ain´t it swell? Not enough that I´m on medication for my major depression, but I´ve contracted a minor one, as well! Haha! I can´t do anything else, but laugh! My psychologist called it a “seasonal affective disorder”, caused by the lack of sun and the cold. It´s not that I hadn´t heard if it or anything, I was just unaware you could have a depression within another depression. Haha! All I feel like doing is sleeping and getting cosy in my pjs. Walking Sam seems an ordeal, so is everything else I´m not bound to do, so unless it´s work, or dinner and drinks, you can´t get me outside the house if you pull me by the hair!;-)

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Last days

During the last days I´ve been thinking elections, revolution, patriotism and how my life would have been if Romania was a country one could go back to. As in living there. Not that I necessarily would do that, but I wish it were a viable option. I was barely able to sleep and I felt light and full of color. I felt a sense of belonging in all this story, a feeling I often miss both as a foreigner here and in my line of work. You see we, interpreters, are neutral, we don´t belong in any camps.

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Autumn

This week has been good to me so far and it´s nearly weekend already! I tried to eat healthy, worked just enough hours, took Sammy for a long walk in the woods on Monday, worked out with my Personal Trainer yesterday and went to bed early. And I started feeling a bit better. Last week´s tension had taken its toll on me and left me without any energy. And exhaustion is just one step away from depression, so I try not to end up there again.

Today I´ve taken it slowly, went for a long walk with Sam, spent some time in bed with coffee and Instagram and now I´m about to start billing for a couple of hours. Later on I´m having lunch with a friend, then work for a couple of hours more and this evening we´re entertaining guests for dinner. 🙂 I´m not sure what to cook, I thought maybe I should give Boeuf bourguignon a try. I have plenty of time to wait for it cook to perfection, the only question is if I feel like going to the Wine Monopoly to buy the wine.

I´ve also started therapy. I´ve been dreading the idea for so long I knew I needed to jump into it or else I´d never do it. It´s very emotionally draining, but it triggers a lot of mental activities that help you focus. I believe everybody holds the cure within oneself, it´s just that when life seems to be too demanding, one cannot sort out one´s priorities any more. Enough about that. It costs a fortune, if one were waiting in the health line, one might as well be dead until it´s finally one´s turn.

Can´t wait for the weekend to come! We´re going to a party on Saturday and to a birthday picnic on Sunday. 🙂 I need to find the perfect dress (in my wardrobe) and get the manicure to go with! Until then, I leave you with some pictures from this week´s activities. I hope you have a great one! xxx, Alina

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