Grandma Maria passed away a couple of days ago, she would have been 93 in January. She lived a long and full life and during her last 16 years she was a widow. There was a big map in her sitting room, where she would follow us three grandchildren who live abroad and my brother in Bucharest on our trips around the world. She read extensively, she knit and she cared for her garden- “I’ve always loved flowers”, she’d say.
Christmas is a difficult time for many people, myself included. All this focus on family, the being on your best behaviour and the “look how successfully we’re wrapping up the year” makes me feel pretty exhausted. I feel much closer to many of my friends than to some of my blood relatives. As for the in laws, I’ve never been a mother-in-law’s dream, God knows why, and this time is no different. haha!
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Saying good-bye to Beo today is heart-breaking. I´ve had him for 12, 5 years and he´s been my anchor and the best companion. I´ve had to do lots of laundry on account of his mishaps, throw out three couches and pick up after him more times than I care to remember, but I wouldn´t have traded him for the world! He´s got more personality than many people I know and is always ready to cuddle, even if that means he has to scratch the door to pieces in pursuing that. He´s meowed at 3 am to be fed and pooped in bed when I brought the bf home for the first time, he´s peed in my new ballerinas and thrown up on my lingerie, but I love him to bits none the less. You can never be replaced, but knowing me, I´ll try, because being without a cat is like lacking a part of my soul.
I’m back from France and ready to start a new semester of work and play. Ok, more work than play, but still. Turning 36 in a month´s time and since I´ve been obsessing about getting older for a while now, I made up my mind that as long as there´s enough champagne, I will survive! 😉
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I can´t believe June is almost over! It feels like I haven´t done much, simply postponed stuff from one day to the other and watched the days go by in a colour haze. My moods are still exhausting and I´d very much need a holiday from myself, anybody know the feeling?
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You´ve never been sad
Until sad is all you can feel,
Until sadness takes your sleep away
And you feel yourself dissolve
Into a pool of sweat and fear
Too weak to let go
Too tired to keep going.
That kind of sadness
Is a special kind of hell-
Only known to the ones of us
Who feel with every inch of our skin.
It´s only when you´ve mourned the loss of love
On your own or in the arms of others,
That you can fully understand
How lucky you are to fall in love again.
April, 2016
It´s funny how body and psyche are interconnected
And yet they step in for each other if needed
Like today, when I´m down with a cold,
But my spirits are quite high.
It´s as if they got it
That I can´t do both at once
The being sick and the being sad
that is, so they gave me a break.
I´m not sad everyday anymore,
But still I´m grateful for a break,
Even though I blow my nose
A hundred times a day
And my mother is nagging about
Rubbing my throat
With salt on my finger
No thanks, I think I got it.
At least I´m not sad.
March, 2016
I´ve been feeling sad today
And I can neither blame it on PMS,
Nor on the feeling of unrequited love.
I don´t really know why I´m sad now
Meaning if I´m sad because I´m sad,
Or if I´m sad because I´m happy
And since happy is not a familiar place,
I hurry back to sad
Because I can do sad better.
Am I this broken, or is this normal?
Listening to Amy Winehouse-
“At least I´m not drinking”, she sings-
I wish I could drink myself senseless,
So I don´t feel a damn thing
Feeling is overrated,
My depression seems alluring now.
February 2016
A friend of ours is drawing his last breath on a hospital bed, so the last couple of days have been nothing but sad. We´re still hoping for a miracle and he doesn´t want to let go, either, so the whole situation is so incredibly tragic, I don´t know what to do with myself. 
It´s scary how frail this life of ours is, one day we´re here and the next one it´s like we´ve never even existed. I know it sounds like a cliché, but I run out of words.
I have a terrible cold and I´ve been feeling sorry for myself all day. I haven´t done anything else but watch Netflix, take my paracetamols and blow my nose. And feel sad. Tomorrow I´ll be in court all day and I should have done so much this weekend, it´s crazy. I´m having trouble reconciling the everyday life with the bigger order of things, right now. Do you feel that, sometimes?
Anyways. V is cooking fish and I´m being such a lazy sick person. The type with needs and cravings and a short temper. Hoping that a new week will somehow make the sorrow smaller, although it´s hard to see how.
I did do a couple of nice things today, though: I called my mom and my grandma to congratulate them on Women´s Day. In Romania 8th of March is also Mothers´Day, so we usually make a big thing out of it. And they were pleased, especially when I told them V was making pancakes for breakfast. 😉 Wish I had more energy to mark the day somehow, in Norway people talk about equality and human rights whereas in Romania we usually throw ourselves a party. Haha! So different! Especially since sexism is on an all time high back home…
I did hear about this cute Portuguese pastry place though and invited a couple of girlfriends for a vanilla crust and a cup of coffee there on Tuesday afternoon. At least we have an excuse to see each other. Can´t wait! Does that make me shallow?
Stories and Anecdotes by Sharron Little Burnett
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