Anxious nights

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I’m so not gonna be the kind of mother that worries all the time, I told myself. I’m going to be cool, like I was with the cats and I am with Sam. I’m gonna think that nothing bad could ever happen to my baby, not after all I’ve gone through to get her/him. That’s what I thought. The truth is I’m an anxious person and I’m on max dosage of medicine to be able to deal with that on an everyday basis. I almost have a panic attack if a looney gets on the bus, I hyperventilate if a drunk seats himself next to me, you get the idea. I finally found out why mingling with the wrong crowd drains me of energy- it’s because if there’s no chemistry, anxiety kicks in.  Continue reading

Lately

How y’all doing ? These days I´m still a bit up and down and I tend to find people tiresome. And since I meet lots of them in my line of work, some days I´m simply beat without doing much at all. 😉 I don´t even know if it´s anxiety or good old contempt. My therapist planted this idea- what if your contempt for people is rooted in contempt for yourself? Too deep on a Friday evening, though. 😉 haha!

As long as I have my bear and my special someone though, all´s good in the world. We´ve had a bit of sun lately (although it´s still awfully cold!) and so I´ve been exploring the neighbouring woods with Sammy boy. 😉13078258_10153549181381711_225484625_o Continue reading

Spring days

Although I must have forgotten to take my pills today, with a fabulous disposition (not) and throbbing anxiety as an outcome, there’s no doubt I’ve been feeling much better lately. Yesterday I even made some chocolate mousse, caught a movie-“Hail, Caesar!” by the Cohen Brothers (God, they´re a bunch of loonies!) and had a couple of drinks, on an almost regular Wednesday. 😉  By the time I went to bed it was past “Christian hours” (I love this expression in Norwegian!), so there´s a slight chance that today’s shape might be directly linked to that.. 😉 haha!

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“Martisor”

 

Today I´ve had a bad day

And I don´t only mean

A bad hair day,

But the kind of day

When your fears

Are palpable,

When all your sadness

Resurfaces from some

God forgotten place

And biblical guilt

Haunts you

Until you want to scream

And say “I give in”!

 

All this turmoil

Makes me tired,

Makes me want to crawl

Back into my shell

Where it doesn´t matter

If you´re good or bad

`Cause you´re miserable anyways.

 

But I fight it.

 

I´ve been so happy

These past few days,

I threw myself at happiness

Like it wasn´t deceitful

Like I believed I could do it.

 

Nothing´s changed, though

It might be the “MARTISOR”-

The Romanian way

Of celebrating spring,

There´s no sign of spring here, you see-

And my anxiety gets the best of me.

 

March, 2016

 

 

 

Lazy bones

Today I woke up early to finish a couple of written translations that are due today, but I seem to do anything to postpone it. In fact, procrastinating is my middle name. These days have been wonderfully lazy, so sliding back into routine is no easy task. We´ve had movie marathons and binge eating (not food, but chips and sweets), napping from 8pm to 9pm and things unheard of outside Christmas break. Yesterday however I managed to read a couple of pages, after working for a bit and then giving the house a quick shine. A friend visited with her sweet baby and we had the greatest time bonding. Unfortunately I´m quite ambivalent about children since I´ve been longing for one for so long, so I never know how I will react, I either like them too much or I just couldn´t be bothered. But Isabella was the cutest little thing and so easy to get along with, I was sold!

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