I´m not defining myself through love,
I know I´m enough on my own
I only wish I could forward this affection
Towards my neglected self
Instead of everyone else.
I´m so tired, oh so tired
Won´t you hold me for a while
Don´t say a word,
Just let me have a sigh on your shoulder
The silent kind,
The one that doesn´t change a thing,
But leaves you hollow.
January 2016
Kiss me like you love me
Is my favourite line nowadays
It works, but then it doesn´t.
I want you to see me for my soul
Not this pretty shell
Love my nakedness, baby
I don´t want to grow a skin.
I should learn how to be by myself
Shouldn´t be hard
I kind of like being alone
It´s just me I´m not sure that I like.
January 2016
I just read somewhere about in-betweens. The time in between these few moments of bliss that our life is made of- love, a smile from a stranger, a walk in the park, a sunny day, a cup of good coffee, a dog licking my face, the newspaper outside the door first thing in the morning. The person said she had a difficult time dealing with the in-betweens. Who doesn´t? I have, too.
I don´t know what to make of them. I don´t know how to let time pass without panicking like it´s my last second on this planet. I don´t know how not to live fast or just sleep it all away. I don´t know how to act like a normal person. I don´t even know what normal is, because to me I´m normal, it´s all the others who are strange.
These days, my favourite time of the day is when I´m not awake. It´s when I don´t feel a thing, or at least I don´t know that I do. I sleep with my head under the covers, so as not to let the cold slip in.
The snow has managed to put a lid on my emotions and I feel passive and tired yet again. In a way it´s preferable to this tornado of sentiments that I don´t know what to do with anyways. Let it be sleep. I could sleep for a couple of months. Just let things slide by.
Back home to a frozen Oslo and minus 18, I can´t help but wishing I lived somewhere else entirely. I woke up this morning and had to literally race to the kitchen to make the fire, or else I wouldn´t be able to walk around without the duvet wrapped around me.
Anyways. Back to Rome. What a city! Maybe this is the way to see it, after all, not chase after experiences, like I probably did last time, but let go of all expectations and see where it takes you, what it has in store for you. I love being able to walk around with hasty steps, like I have a purpose, music in my ears, let my eyes linger on a building, smile at the sight of a balcony overgrown with plants, reminisce something from another lifetime, then suppress it with the reluctance of swallowing cough syrup.
I´ve cooled down a bit, or so it seems. I´m able to be by myself without feeling like throwing myself out of the window in desperation, I´m making the fire, washing my clothes and preparing some sort of dinner, too. Who knew it´d be that hard to do what I´ve been doing for ages, just because I´m on my own now?
I´ve been so sociable lately that I´m right out exhausted. I just want to listen to music by my furry boys, write until I have no more words coming out and then go to sleep. I´ve started being able to fall asleep by myself again, without sleeping pills, that is. I still wake up in the middle of the night, though, and only sleep for 5-6 hours, but it´s a step forward.
Hand on my heart, this trip was the best holiday I´ve ever had! 😉 It wouldn´t have turned out this great if I´d planned it in detail, in fact, the surprise element is exactly what made it so good. It was all about the senses- good food, good drink, new experiences, furry friends and effortless conversation.
I´ve done so many things for the first time this weekend, you have no idea! 😉 Like riding a motorbike in a guy´s jacket, with a guy´s eye shades, mascara running black down my face and my smile stone-still from the cold, painted red on my face. I´ve “fed” stones to swans, had the best hot chocolate in my entire life in Anguillara, a small town by the coast an hour away from Rome, climbed a “mountain” in high heels and ate proper Italian linguine and clams in a proper Italian home.
I asked my doctor some years ago if he´s sure I´m not bipolar and he said yes. But while re-reading what I wrote yesterday, I can´t help but wonder if I should get a second opinion. 😉
Today I´m fine. I spent a fortune at Max Mara and Stefanel, but that´s not the reason. The sun is shining and I´m in love with Bucharest again. It´s always been a constant in my life and right now I need as many constants as possible.
It´s refreshing to be back in Bucharest, where most of my family and friends live, I let myself be dragged into its moist grip, I venture in it like in the arms of a lover.
As I do it, I´m trying to get a grasp of myself in the mirrors of the city. I sometimes catch a glimpse of my old self, familiar gestures go through me with the violence of an ambush. I go to the same places and although they smell the same, they bring me in a slight state of faint.
Phew, I´m turning sane again! Thought I´d never get there again.. I´m reading a book, a crappy detective story, don´t even know if it´s bad in the original language- English, or if it´s just the translation into Norwegian, but who cares, the story is solid enough and I´m curious to see who the murderer is. 😉
I also cooked, for the second time in over 3 weeks now, just some pasta, but at least I managed the deed. Made some sugar coated almonds the other day, too. I´m on the right track. Thank God, I was starting to loose it entirely! Lacking sleep, hardly eating and not having very high thoughts of myself. 
Continue reading
Stories and Anecdotes by Sharron Little Burnett
Created with sugar and love
Because it is all about sharing moments and creating memories
My Recipe Vault
My Coronavirus Diaries
Matblogg med mine favoritter og noen eksperimenter
bleib ruhig hier
In the end,we'll all become stories. Write and live a good one.
I sell ideas, not photos
lifestyle blog
Architect
life in a bubble 