I have to admit I was done with the Mediterranean heat, but did I see fall coming? Not for a second. It’s been raining on and off for days and it’s the second weekend it’s pouring like there’s no tomorrow. Depressing doesn’t even begin to cover it. I feel like going to bed never to wake up again and I’m not even kidding.
It’s April already and all the changes I was set on making in my life this year haven’t happened yet. I’m still chasing assignments, going to places when I shouldn’t (because I now have photography courses twice a week and I’m trying to build a family, too), I’m no closer to discovering my own voice in all this mess in my head, the further I come, the longer the road seems to be. When I think I want to work as a photographer, it turns out I probably don’t, not if it requires all these technical skills, at least. Then I want to write and there’s no time and when I have time I’m too tired to even think and all I want to do is drink Ferrari and peel my nails while pondering if I miss human companionship or not and end up calling a friend. Continue reading
These days I feel so relieved. I don’t owe anybody anything any more, except for gratitude to the ones who remained my friends and family until the end. I don’t have a mortgage anymore, nor do I have to take into account my ex husband’s finances, whom I still care for very much, but who is no longer my responsibility. In fact nobody is (in that way) and I’m nobody else’s responsibility than my own. And that’s so liberating I want to climb on a mountain top and scream: Yuhuuu!
Waiting for the move to sink in and for the money to tick into my account and take away my debt and sleepless nights, I’m trying to go back to things that used to make me happy, back when I had time and energy to think about that.
So I’ve been cooking a lot lately. The general staff holiday is not over yet, meaning I’ve been easing my way into work and still had a couple of hours left here and there, unpacking and putting things in order and making plans for dinner.
As I’ve often mentioned in my posts, I suffer from chronic depression. It’s not the “worsest” kind, meaning I’ve never been sectioned, I’ve never not gotten out of bed and I’m pretty well-functioning when on medication (which I sometimes forget to take, but for which I’m otherwise grateful as hell). Nevertheless, I have a condition I have to take into account in my daily life as it often makes me tired, have little patience for things and people I don’t care for too much, renders me short tempered and often struggling to give a f*. haha!
On top of my regular and manageable depression, I have this seasonal depression. Or my already existing depression gets worse in winter. Which wouldn’t be such a problem if winter wasn’t never-ending in Norway. It’s no secret I don’t like winter- It’s cold and dark, I don’t ski and I don’t enjoy being outside too much, as I easily freeze and I’m very vain, so I never put on enough clothes. haha! Consequently, pretty much everything I do in winter is because I have to. I have to walk Sammy, I have to get out of the house, otherwise I know I’ll get crazy, I have to buy groceries, I have to go to work. But every once in a while, the sun comes out and life is so much easier. It’s not a question of “have to anymore”, but of “want to”. So I’ve made a little list with things that aid me see the world in prettier colours, also on a grey winter’s day, hoping you’ll find it helpful, too:
- My dog, Sam
I’ve been feeling very afraid lately. This Trump business is as bleak as they come and, for my part, much worse than imagined. In the context of my trip to Berlin where I was reminded of the Holocaust everywhere, what’s happening in the world now is pretty scary shit.
An then there’s my people: Romanians failed to elect a sane government and instead brought in office the same old commie villains who have now signed an emergency decree making it easy peasy to be corrupt and get away with it.And if that wasn’t enough, the interpreting field is very frustrating to work within, the state does little else these days besides cutting costs here and saving money there, all of it at the interpreters’ expense.
Otherwise I find it hard to cope with winter, I’m still tired all the time and I still need to nap a lot, which I do as soon as the chance arrives. And that in its turn leaves me feeling like I haven’t done anything the entire day, which in its turn makes me feel lazy and inefficient. Continue reading
I woke up early-ish, happy to have the place for myself for an hour or so, made some coffee and moved around barefoot in my black silk gown, getting a glimpse of the sun from different corners of the large windows. I read the paper, I had some coffee, the world was a good place to be.
Then I took Sam out for a walk, he’d started some serious howling and followed me around into the kitchen, to the bathroom, opened the door with his snout and howled some more. Ok, okey. “Let’s go out”, I said. I didn’t check the weather and I put on too little clothes (what’s new?!) and consequently froze half to death which turned me into a terrible grinch.
I’ve been feeling like crap since 10:30am and I can’t even begin to fathom why. I feel I should be putting a bit more effort into this “enjoying” winter, but all I ever feel like is drinking cocoa and staying inside. Today I should vacuum and wash the floors and bake and read and this and that, but instead I grrr. I’m not even sad, I’m just grr.
Outside it’s sunny and I and Sam were supposed to go ice-skating on a frozen lake with our friend Gordana and her girls and I let them all down without a real reason, other than I just don’t feel like it. I’m having a hard time accepting my moods, I’m worse now than back when I was a teenager, at least no one ever expected a teenager to be reliable, but a 36 years old should.
Maybe I’ll go out for a coffee, maybe I’ll have a nap. Only crap on Netflix and the book I’m reading is so sad, I feel like slapping the girl for not falling for a better guy than that one.
Vast fields of nothingness are sweeping over me, I feel tired without having done a thing and broken without ever having functioned. My mind is a marsh and I’m trying not to fall into it. Nothing seems alluring at all.
I´ll put on another load of laundry. At least I’ll have clean clothes when I decide to leave the house.
Image borrowed from: http://universe.byu.edu/2014/01/14/beating-the-winter-blues1/
In my desire to cope with my severe winter apathy and in my longing for the mother country, however far and cold and unfriendly, I stumbled upon the photographic work of Dan Cristian Mihailescu and I found some deliverance.It’s the deserted landscapes that appeal to me, you get the feeling that when winter sets in, human presence recedes. In its desolation, the beach and its rocks seem to cling to life in a desultory manner. I long for an empty field, where winters come and go and leave only traces of seagull steps in the snow.
March came with promises of sunny weather, snow drops and tender feelings. I embrace it as hard as I can, I let it lead the way, stumbling down a couple of times, two steps forward and one step back, then all the way, head first. I feels like falling, but in a good way, probably like parachuting- free fall and yet you know there´s someone there to catch you.;-)
Hi, how are y’all? Thank you for hanging in there with me, I´ve been pretty emotional on the blog lately, haven´t I? I can´t wait for the day when I´ll feel up to writing about pretty dresses and pretty shoes again, I tell ya! I´m not there yet, though. 😉 It´s still a bumpy road here, although most days are good now and not the other way around.