Existential Choices

Hi again! Long time, no see, I hope you’re all doing well! Today I feel like writing, so I’ll grant you my thoughts. 😉

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been in and out of a state of existential anxiety. The one that has to do with my choices in life, my studies and my career. Or the lack of the latter, the arbitrariness of it all, the fact that working as an interpreter is only a way of making money, that it doesn’t lead anywhere. Not that I need a fancy title and an office, but it would be nice to get some acknowledgement. It is an important work and a difficult one, too and the unpredictability of it is both a burden and a blessing. I know I’ve been writing this stuff for the past 6 years, but bear with me. Now it feels different on account of the Corona pandemic and Madeleine. I feel I need to “get my shit together” once and for all.

Alina tran 46

I don’t know if it’ s a common line of thoughts, but I somehow feel I’m still waiting for my life to get started. Like I’m an adult, I’m turning 40 this fall, I have a partner, a baby, a dog and a mortgage, but I still feel like I did when I was 15- unfinished, unpolished, undone. It’s not so much the insecurity I used to feel back then, I’m over the period when I was agonizing about a pimple or whatnot and thank God for that! And although I still am one of the most vain persons I know of- haha-, it’s more the fact that I don’t know what to make of myself in this world. Some people are born with a call, others find out what they want early and go for it, whereas I’m just waiting around to see what the next corner reveals, too unstructured and unmotivated to really make the necessary move. I want to write for a living, but when I have the time, I don’t have the inspiration. I want to be a freelance photographer, too, but I haven’t even got a website, yet. I want things to come to me, not make an effort to get them myself. :-/

And how will I be able to provide for my baby girl when this stupid virus is lurking around and society may be in lockdown again in no time? As much as I love freelance life and hate the 9-5 routine, the one colleague you never get along with, the meaningless talks about football during lunch break, it also involves a lot of uncertainty. Especially in times of recession. I should do something about it. But the more I think about it, the more possibilities I see, the more paralyzed I feel.

Do you have any advice? Where do I start?

xxx, Alina

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