Anxious nights

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I’m so not gonna be the kind of mother that worries all the time, I told myself. I’m going to be cool, like I was with the cats and I am with Sam. I’m gonna think that nothing bad could ever happen to my baby, not after all I’ve gone through to get her/him. That’s what I thought. The truth is I’m an anxious person and I’m on max dosage of medicine to be able to deal with that on an everyday basis. I almost have a panic attack if a looney gets on the bus, I hyperventilate if a drunk seats himself next to me, you get the idea. I finally found out why mingling with the wrong crowd drains me of energy- it’s because if there’s no chemistry, anxiety kicks in. IMG_7798

And so on. A couple of days ago I told F: I’ve finally spotted sound-proof headphones for my bus rides! But you don’t listen to music, he replied. But I don’t want to listen to other people’s phone conversations, I said. I still haven’t bought them, yet, they’re outrageously expensive and I hate spending money on gadgets, but they’re on my list.

Fact is that anxiety spills into my dreams and I get all sorts of horrible scenarios that wake me up at night. Besides having to pee every 5 minutes and not being able to sleep on my belly, I wake up drenched in sweat because I’ve dreamt of taking heroin, although not injecting, but munching on something sweet. In my mind it must be a combination of my fear of damaging the baby with the fear of getting diabetes, since it runs in the family and I have a sweet tooth.

For the last couple of days I was able to rest and it makes all the difference in the world. Yesterday we celebrated my birthday  by eating out at Brasserie France, a venerable bistrot with fantastic French treats. We also bought a new pan from Le Creuset, so pretty I can’t wait to cook with it tonight. 😉

Today it’s all about hedonistic activities. We’re having pancakes for brunch (at home), then watching a movie, working out for an hour at the gym and then reading a book. Have a lovely Sunday, y’all!

xxx, Alina

 

 

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