Sunday blues

I woke up early-ish, happy to have the place for myself for an hour or so, made some coffee and moved around barefoot in my black silk gown, getting a glimpse of the sun from different corners of the large windows. I read the paper, I had some coffee, the world was a good place to be.depression_02foronline

Then I took Sam out for a walk, he’d started some serious howling and followed me around into the kitchen, to the bathroom, opened the door with his snout and howled some more. Ok, okey. “Let’s go out”, I said. I didn’t check the weather and I put on too little clothes (what’s new?!) and consequently froze half to death which turned me into a terrible grinch.

I’ve been feeling like crap since 10:30am and I can’t even begin to fathom why. I feel I should be putting a bit more effort into this “enjoying” winter, but all I ever feel like is drinking cocoa and staying inside. Today I should vacuum and wash the floors and bake and read and this and that, but instead I grrr. I’m not even sad, I’m just grr.

Outside it’s sunny and I and Sam were supposed to go ice-skating on a frozen lake with our friend Gordana and her girls and I let them all down without a real reason, other than I just don’t feel like it. I’m having a hard time accepting my moods, I’m worse now than back when I was a teenager, at least no one ever expected a teenager to be reliable, but a 36 years old should.

Maybe I’ll go out for a coffee, maybe I’ll have a nap. Only crap on Netflix and the book I’m reading is so sad, I feel like slapping the girl for not falling for a better guy than that one.

Vast fields of nothingness are sweeping over me, I feel tired without having done a thing and broken without ever having functioned. My mind is a marsh and I’m trying not to fall into it. Nothing seems alluring at all.

I´ll put on another load of laundry. At least I’ll have clean clothes when I decide to leave the house.

xxx, Alina

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