It’s April already and all the changes I was set on making in my life this year haven’t happened yet. I’m still chasing assignments, going to places when I shouldn’t (because I now have photography courses twice a week and I’m trying to build a family, too), I’m no closer to discovering my own voice in all this mess in my head, the further I come, the longer the road seems to be. When I think I want to work as a photographer, it turns out I probably don’t, not if it requires all these technical skills, at least. Then I want to write and there’s no time and when I have time I’m too tired to even think and all I want to do is drink Ferrari and peel my nails while pondering if I miss human companionship or not and end up calling a friend.
Don’t worry, there’s no breakdown to speak of, in fact the seasonal depression weighing so heavily on my shoulders in winter seems to have skipped me this year altogether. Y-ha! “Nothing’s as bad that it isn’t good for something”, as the Norwegians say or “the devil is not as black after all” as we put it in Romanian. Haha! I’m actually pretty fine, just not content with having so little influence on my own time- I have to work when there’s work and there’s always too much of it when it is. And then there’s no work and I’m biting my nails while waiting. And I never learn to relax.
Aside from being either too busy for my own good or too free to be able control my thoughts, life is a constant trial to do things right and not get bored out of my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t even have the energy for a fuller life, I don’t want adventure or other stuff, it’s just that things that repeat themselves tend to bore the * out of me and I lose the sense of purpose you need to get through the day. Like having to cook every day or wash underwear or walk Sam. Even though these things are exactly what brings me a sort of satisfaction, too. Because they’re tangible and easily accomplishable. Am I making any sense at all?
Yesterday I went to this sourdough course that my love got me for Christmas and aside from the fact that it lasted three times longer than my concentration can keep up with, it was very inspirational. And now I can hopefully bake the yummiest loaves and take pictures of them, too. Haha! Small victories.
Until next time, when I’ll probably be in a better mood! Thanks’s for hanging in there with me!<3