Author: ghetran

Me

Writing is all I feel like doing. It´s exhausting to be me these days, I could use a break. I need to get my shit together and that ASAP. I just don´t know where to start. I´m so tired, I keep cancelling my appointments, I barely feel like seeing friends.

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I saw you again today, I´ve never seen anybody this sad in my entire life. It felt like having my guts kicked out. Why do we stop loving? And how do we dare go on the same road again? How do we ever dare place our soul into someone else´s hands?

I´ve cried so much it´s a wonder there´s anything left inside. I can feel my heart´s contractions when there´s no purpose in doing anything else but cry. Where are the tears coming from, I want to drain their well once and for all!

You´ll bounce back. You´ll be strong and beautiful again, my love. And somebody else will love the hell out of you. Maybe someone else will love me, too. This charming, but unlovable mess. I should start by loving myself. But again, where do I begin, when all I feel is contempt?

xxx, Alina

 

 

 

 

In-betweens

I just read somewhere about in-betweens. The time in between these few moments of bliss that our life is made of- love, a smile from a stranger, a walk in the park, a sunny day, a cup of good coffee, a dog licking my face, the newspaper outside the door first thing in the morning. The person said she had a difficult time dealing with the in-betweens. Who doesn´t? I have, too.

I don´t know what to make of them. I don´t know how to let time pass without panicking like it´s my last second on this planet. I don´t know how not to live fast or just sleep it all away. I don´t know how to act like a normal person. I don´t even know what normal is, because to me I´m normal, it´s all the others who are strange.

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When I sleep

These days, my favourite time of the day is when I´m not awake. It´s when I don´t feel a thing, or at least I don´t know that I do. I sleep with my head under the covers, so as not to let the cold slip in.

The snow has managed to put a lid on my emotions and I feel passive and tired yet again. In a way it´s preferable to this tornado of sentiments that I don´t know what to do with anyways. Let it be sleep. I could sleep for a couple of months. Just let things slide by.

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Romania 2016

Being at home for a few days at the beginning of January was so soothing! It´s a wonder how family and close friends have the power to get you on the right track again, help you pull yourself together. 😉 I already wrote a couple of entries on the trip, but now I got the pictures to go with the story and it´ll be easier to see what I mean. 🙂

Just look at us, three generations of beautiful and strong women! 😉 Every time I speak to this little lady here I feel my chest swell with so much love, it´s amazing I don´t choke! She´s that special, the little rascal! 😉 So funny, too! She makes me laugh so hard I start hiccuping!

“Hi, how are you? I´m fine!”

“Hi, sweetheart! I´m good, too!”

“Who are you with? I´m with my baby doll!”

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Rome on my mind

Back home to a frozen Oslo and minus 18, I can´t help but wishing I lived somewhere else entirely. I woke up this morning and had to literally race to the kitchen to make the fire, or else I wouldn´t be able to walk around without the duvet wrapped around me.

Anyways. Back to Rome. What a city! Maybe this is the way to see it, after all, not chase after experiences, like I probably did last time, but let go of all expectations and see where it takes you, what it has in store for you. I love being able to walk around with hasty steps, like I have a purpose, music in my ears, let my eyes linger on a building, smile at the sight of a balcony overgrown with plants, reminisce something from another lifetime, then suppress it with the reluctance of swallowing cough syrup.

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On my own

I´ve cooled down a bit, or so it seems. I´m able to be by myself without feeling like throwing myself out of the window in desperation, I´m making the fire, washing my clothes and preparing some sort of dinner, too. Who knew it´d be that hard to do what I´ve been doing for ages, just because I´m on my own now?

I´ve been so sociable lately that I´m right out exhausted. I just want to listen to music by my furry boys, write until I have no more words coming out and then go to sleep. I´ve started being able to fall asleep by myself again, without sleeping pills, that is. I still wake up in the middle of the night, though, and only sleep for 5-6 hours, but it´s a step forward.

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A weekend in Rome

Hand on my heart, this trip was the best holiday I´ve ever had! 😉 It wouldn´t have turned out this great if I´d planned it in detail, in fact, the surprise element is exactly what made it so good. It was all about the senses- good food, good drink, new experiences, furry friends and effortless conversation.

I´ve done so many things for the first time this weekend, you have no idea! 😉 Like riding a motorbike in a guy´s jacket, with a guy´s eye shades, mascara running black down my face and my smile stone-still from the cold, painted red on my face. I´ve “fed” stones to swans, had the best hot chocolate in my entire life in Anguillara, a small town by the coast an hour away from Rome, climbed a “mountain” in high heels and ate proper Italian linguine and clams in a proper Italian home.

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Rome

I´m in Rome for the weekend and I love every second of it! It´s been 9 years since last time and I was curious to see if I could fall in love with the city this time. You see, I´m quite easy to impress as a tourist, but Rome and Barcelona hadn´t really done the trick for me for some reason or another. Maybe the crowd, the people, the heat, the pressure. Beats me.

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No filter

“Don´t forget the shoes!”

The shoes, right!

Or else I´d have to walk bare-footed,

I´d probably burn my feet

On the ice.

 

“Don´t forget your coat!”

The coat, right!

I´ll keep that in mind

I should sew my buttons, too

It´s getting colder by the day.

 

Never mind, never mind,

There´s no place for so much feeling

The internet is flooded with words

And people in their right mind suffer secretly.

 

“People, you say?”

What do I care about people?

I´m my own people

My own species and my own kind.

I have no filter.

 

January, 2016