What is motherhood if not a quest into the unknown? It feels like I’ve been waiting for this my entire life and yet I have no notion of what’s in store for me. I only know that dreams become smaller and little joys bigger.

untitledAlina Tran12019-29.jpgIt starts with him hurrying home, throwing himself at my belly to greet our unborn daughter, with us giggling through the living-room imagining the unimaginable, a family.

I can’t wait to see her face, the outlines of her small body next to mine, smell her scalp, kiss her skin until tiredness tears me away and I fall asleep.

I haven’t had nightmares in a while now. No signs of anxiety, either. It’s so funny, I thought I’d be mad with worry, but I feel so fine. I just know she’s ok, I have no idea how. I like being pregnant now. I don’t even give alcohol a thought, anymore. I mean, I still miss hanging out and getting tipsy, but I don’t miss the taste. Just the references. My earlier life seems far away, now we’re saving for a pram and for diapers. 😉

Sure, I still like clothes, but I don’t mind that much what I’m wearing, I only have a pair of mom jeans and a couple of dresses and keep changing them to suit my mood.

This is a self-portrait I took today. The light crept up in my bedroom and I wanted to see my shadow. We’re all shadows in the end, aren’t we? This time in my life, my shadow is strong and happy. I hope I can stay like this forever. I hope depression never sneaks back. I feel untouchable.

xxx, Alina

One thought on “Motherhood

  1. I loved this post – finding your happy, despite your depression. I hope you stay this way, too. But even if you lapse, I hope you come back to this and remind yourself that happy is possible. Stay strong!

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