What is motherhood if not a quest into the unknown? It feels like I’ve been waiting for this my entire life and yet I have no notion of what’s in store for me. I only know that dreams become smaller and little joys bigger.
It starts with him hurrying home, throwing himself at my belly to greet our unborn daughter, with us giggling through the living-room imagining the unimaginable, a family.
I can’t wait to see her face, the outlines of her small body next to mine, smell her scalp, kiss her skin until tiredness tears me away and I fall asleep.
I haven’t had nightmares in a while now. No signs of anxiety, either. It’s so funny, I thought I’d be mad with worry, but I feel so fine. I just know she’s ok, I have no idea how. I like being pregnant now. I don’t even give alcohol a thought, anymore. I mean, I still miss hanging out and getting tipsy, but I don’t miss the taste. Just the references. My earlier life seems far away, now we’re saving for a pram and for diapers. 😉
Sure, I still like clothes, but I don’t mind that much what I’m wearing, I only have a pair of mom jeans and a couple of dresses and keep changing them to suit my mood.
This is a self-portrait I took today. The light crept up in my bedroom and I wanted to see my shadow. We’re all shadows in the end, aren’t we? This time in my life, my shadow is strong and happy. I hope I can stay like this forever. I hope depression never sneaks back. I feel untouchable.
One thought on “Motherhood”
I loved this post – finding your happy, despite your depression. I hope you stay this way, too. But even if you lapse, I hope you come back to this and remind yourself that happy is possible. Stay strong!