Besides being a walking tornado, I´ve either been too busy traveling or working, or I´ve had too much time on my hands, which, funnily enough has the same outcome: I don´t get to do shit around the house and I´m still behind with most things, including laundry and billing. Not to mention grieving and getting on top of things. But hey, what are the 30s for, besides figuring out your place in the world? haha! 😉 (I´m in a glorious mood today, watch out!)

I love this freelance life, with all this unpredictable running around chasing my own tail, having as much knowledge about my next week´s schedule as people have about their next year´s, checking in even when half dead (feverish or in pain), working weekends, you name it.  Still, I can travel whenever I want to, I have no boss to tell me what to do, no 9 to 5 hours and I´m pretty good at it, too! 😉 Beat that! haha!

Today started promising- a gorgeous ice-cold winter´s day, a couple of assignments with high potential to be cancelled (meaning getting paid to drink coffee and walk Sammy), not to mention therapy! And God knows I´ve never needed it more than now! I´m so disconnected with my feelings and at the same time I´ve never felt more alive with both happiness and pain. Not getting what I mean? Neither do I! Hence therapy! haha! 😉

I´m seeing someone and it´s lovely. At the same time I realise I´ve always had great issues in connection to intimacy, somehow all my married years didn´t repair a broken adolescence and I find myself thrown back to my early 20s with the violence of a car crash. Oh, no! Not my 20s! They were all pain and waste of beauty! What you don´t learn as a child, though, never sticks with you, no matter how successful, pretty or “on top of things” you or the world might think you are. So know your worth, girls, it´s the most precious advice I have for you. I sure haven´t learned that, yet, but I´m getting there.

Sammy is being a good boy and even climbed up in bed one day to lick my hands, when he felt I was slipping back into my depressive sleeping- too- much- pattern. And it helps- having someone who needs me, that is.

I´ll survive, it´s a little better for each day. I still get very angry with people, I still knock over stuff unintentionally, I still forget my meds (or my underwear- haha!) and only answer the calls I feel up for that day, but I’m sure you’ll forgive me, it´s  a full time job being me, believe me!

xxx, Alina