Let me tell you about my day at the spa with Gordana, one of my closest and craziest friends. First, I need to specify it was my Valentine’s gift for F, but since I’d been misinformed about having to be nude in the entire spa area, he was so categoric in his refusal that I didn’t feel like insisting. I’ve always been a prude myself, not as much because I’m embarrassed over my body, ’cause the older I get, the better I look (hahaha!), but more because nakedness is intimate, in my opinion. 

On the other hand, I have big issues with other’s nakedness- again, not because of the nudity itself, but because I think most people have misshaped bodies and I’d rather not be exposed to that. That being said, I’m totally aware of how fucked-up this sounds and a bit jealous about “everybody else’s” experience about how you don’t notice bodies anymore and how “flesh is just flesh” and so on, and so I felt I should take the challenge when it first presented itself.

At the entrance counter, both me and Gordana are asked if we want bathing suits. “Bathing suits, we say, while looking at each other in dismay.” “Yes, bathing suits. By no means obligatory”, we could be naked all we wanted. “Haha”, we laugh, and we’re so surprised by all this that we decide on the nude side. What the heck, we came thinking we were brave (at least I did), now let’s be brave!

Easier said then done, of course, ’cause at 12 o’clock am we’re the only people without a bathing suit! haha! It feels so awkward we almost go back and buy one, but then we’re like, oh, come on, you need to take it off at the sauna and in the shower anyway. Except some people don’t, not even there, even though it’s written on walls and so on. So we feel slightly cheated.

Gordana: “I’ve been in Norway for 20 years, so I’m used to showering naked before entering the pool and besides one needs to be naked at the sauna, so I don’t mind that much.” Me: “And I’ve been here for 17 years and I avoid swimming pools and saunas for exactly the same reason, although, between me and you, it’s mostly because I don’t want to see everybody else’s untrimmed bushes and tiny weenies.” We laugh so hard we make waves in the pool, waves that roll over us and crush onto our naked boobs.

Later on, we relax in a sauna, then cool off under a “mountain waterfall” and then we take the stairs to the third floor looking for the outdoors jacuzzis. Prosecco in hand and self-counscious about intruding on a couple, I try pretending we’re a couple, too, nothing to obvious, I’m just addressing Gordana with “honey” and the sort, but I soon realise it’s silly, so I drop it. haha! Seconds after the couple leaves, a naked guy walks towards us in the snow. (At least we covered ourselves from one place to another!) Omg, hold me before I faint, I tell Gordana and we start giggling. Haha! Feels like being a wolf in sheep’s clothes, ’cause he probably thinks we’re just normal women comfortable in their own skin. Turn on the bubbles, I can see his thingie floating, I think to myself, seconds before Gordana does just that. Phew! Then he tries to show me how to fasten the bracelet, so it doesn’t fall, which makes me so uncomfortable I almost consider fleeing the jacuzzi, but remind myself this is a sort of a liberating social experiment. 😉

Afterwards we decide we should see the af..smth, can’t remember the name, supposedly a ritual of some sort in the Japanese sauna. Most people had by then allowed the towels to slip a bit, revealing either a curl here and there, a boob or a weener. And my God, they were so tiny, all I could do was think about George Costanza in Seinfeld- “it shrinks!”. I was having a great time suppressing the sardonic laughter bobbling inside of me, until a blond Swedish girl comes in dressed in a ridiculous Pocahontas throw and starts whipping everybody around about not doing things right- no slippers, you need to sit on a towel, even though you’re wearing a thin towel, no water, no this, not that. We both hate her dress, Gordana because it’s “a horrendous culture appropriation” and me because it’s simply ugly and has nothing to do with Japanese culture. Besides, she’s so bossy we decide we don’t want to see any ritual, we’d rather drink another glass of Prosecco and then go to lunch. And so we do just that. Lunch is lovely, one can choose between salads, soups and pizza, and since we’re starved, we decide for a porcini and truffle oil pizza. Just yummy.

We wrap it all up with a foot bath and a coffee, then take the buss back to civilisation, both clothes and smiles on.

And now my long-awaited conclusion on nudity: thank God we have a personality and a brain to compensate for our flawed bodies. I’m no nearer to “flesh is flesh” than I was before the visit. But the spa was so much fun, I’m going back in no time, this time with F and a bikini! 😉 haha! Hope you had fun with me!

xxx, Alina